Building a Foundation for Self Care
Creating a human life is nothing short of a miracle, yet it is the most natural thing the female body can do. I am in awe of all that is happening within and that gives me a sense of power I never knew I had. It’s true when pregnant women and mothers say that their babies change them in inexplicable ways. Of course, there’s the actual DNA of the fetus that intermingles with your own, but there’s a deeper, subtler connection to this life growing inside you that helps put the big picture into perspective and allows more distance between you and the small things that used to feel huge. This has been my experience, anyway. Outside of the emotional roller coaster I’ve enjoyed thanks to hormones, here’s a couple subtle changes I’ve noticed so far in this pregnancy:
I am more willing to unapologetically ask for what I need.
I am more inclined to communicate my ability to accomplish something in a reasonable amount of time, while considering that my body and mind need rest throughout each day - setting healthy time management boundaries is a game changer!
These are self care practices that I hope will be carried on beyond pregnancy and into life as a mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, leader, teacher, student and global citizen.
Nonviolent Communication
We hear so often that communication is the key to any relationship. And you know who practices this really well? Buddhists. One belief in buddhism that it is our nature to enjoy giving and receiving in a compassionate manner. Simple enough - we don’t need to become buddhist to practice non-violent forms of communication. It’s a matter of reframing how we listen to others and respond collaboratively, despite any urges to react or fall back to our tendencies to interrupt, tune out, attack, fix, become complacent or debate for the sake of it.
In partnership, nonviolent communication can help strengthen a bond and make difficult conversations so much more smooth and actually enjoyable. One of the homework assignments for our prenatal class was to identify each others’ stress responses, both physical and emotional. We realized it was easier to identify each others’ than our own, since we humans tend to be better at being objective observers for anyone other than ourselves.
Not only did we learn how to identify when we’re feeling triggered, but we also learned how to create a container for sharing what makes us feel stressed and what we need to feel comforted - this was all because we didn’t wait until a conflict arose to share what makes us tick, but rather allowed ourselves to daydream at a safe distance away from those emotional responses, and with a goal in mind: to better understand each other so that we can better cope with and even eliminate stress, both in labour and in daily life.
In professional leadership, nonviolent communication can be practiced by listening to the words of colleagues and taking in their emotions. After listening to your colleague, you begin with the phrase, “I’m hearing that”… “does that sound right?”. For example, a recent conversation with a colleague allowed me to practice this by first listening to both their words and the underlying emotion in their voice so I could respond by saying: “I’m hearing that there is fear and frustration around what is being promised to clients vs what is realistically attainable to deliver. Does that sound right?”.
Having your emotions repeated back to you in a clear, calm and objective manner allows the person you’re communicating with to better understand their own emotions, which may lead to that person letting go of any assumptions they may have initially brought into the conversation and become open to the perspective of the listener (that’s you). As the listener or receiver, you then become the giver by communicating what you observe, what you feel and what your needs are in the given situation. In the same case with my colleague, who was able to let their guard down and be open to my needs, which I shared by asking for more resources and time spent in collaborative brainstorming with a team to bounce ideas around, to stay rooted in the mission and vision of the organization and to feel confident in what I am offering our clients.
Mothering as a Spiritual Practice
As I near the last couple months in the final sprint of pregnancy, I can’t help but feel a sense of overwhelm with fatigue met with busyness of closing out professional engagements and projects, preparing the home, the body and the lifestyle for the end of one chapter and the beginning of a new one. As a result, it seems there is less room for rituals and routines that ground me and help me stay connected to a greater sense of purpose. Is this foreshadowing the chaos and extreme sacrifice that will emerge when baby arrives? Probably a little, but my hope is that my life doesn’t entirely have to change that dramatically.
I remember a conversation with a friend and colleague on social media where I mentioned, in response to her taking the time for herself before engaging online in the morning, that my routine has always been to spend an entire morning with myself through movement, breath, meditation, journaling and preparing breakfast before I even turn my phone or laptop on. I was half joking by adding that I hoped this wouldn’t change once baby arrives. She laughed.
I’ve realized that my spiritual practice, specifically meditation, doesn’t have to look the same as it used to or even how it looks currently, but rather evolves with my lifestyle. Finding a couple minutes here and there throughout the day to practice gratitude, breathing deep while taking in the beauty of nature, or connecting with baby, can be more meaningful and refreshing than a full 20 minute sit session first thing in the morning or right before bed. The guilt caused by not writing those 3 journal pages every morning or not making it to my cushion one day is enough to allow me to change my approach to feeling grounded. If I learned anything from Brene Brown, it’s that guilt can be a healthy way to affect change. It’s shame that causes the heaviness that’s followed by de-motivation.
One of the biggest discoveries I’ve made in this perinatal journey has been about the pressure we, as female-identifying humans, place on ourselves to overcome. Whether we’re fighting to overcome societal ideals placed on our bodies by the opposite sex or the media, or to come up against stigmas placed on our bodies (both physical and emotional bodies) by medical professionals, peers, teachers and parents, there tends to be a feeling as if we’re bound for disappointment. That does not even cover the self-induced pressure we put on ourselves to achieve benchmarks, like marriage, childbearing, and the like.
My personal journey has been this deep desire to be able to labour and deliver my child as naturally as possible, without the need for medical intervention. I want to feel the feminine power of my own body experiencing each rush of pain and hormones surge until the baby is delivered safely. However, due to complications, we find ourselves having to rely on medical technology and professionals. And we are fortunate enough to live in an age and a country that gives us all the information we need to ensure we are safe.
Learning all of this, after months of research and building anxiety for a natural childbirth, I felt defeated, as if I had anything to do with changing the outcome of the chaos of being human. The defeat, I realized after sharing this with my husband, was not about the battle I’m fighting physically, no matter how much visualization and rest I allowed myself, is with my own mind. The narrative is one that many women create and is perpetuated by the language used in our culture (specifically in schools and in the health system with all the testing and negative reinforcement as feedback): I am inadequate or incompetent, I failed to do everything I could, I have a defect, something is wrong with me. It’s a heavy feeling and not an easy one to simply “snap out of”, but with awareness and positive reinforcement through self-talk and mindful attentiveness paid to our thoughts, actions and emotions, we can re-write our stories well enough to get out of our own way and let the journey unfold as it should.
